Danny

24-04-2020

Yesterday I received some feedback that made me think about how I want to mend my family pictures/pictures of important moments in my life.

I told them that I thought that I needed to work with my hands for this project. Because it's such a personal work, don't get me wrong, I enjoy working digitally and mainly do so. But for this project it would be a barrier between me and my work, because I can't physically touch it.

After some chatting I came to the conclusion that I wanted to add some texture to it. The portrayal of my father doesn't need to be accurate as in, an accurate and realistic painting. But more a pose or a gesture from which I can tell that it's him. Perhaps even a little bit abstract.

What I want to do is grab pictures I have of important moments, extend them and add my dad into it. He used to be a photographer so he could be taking a picture of me within the picture.

Field notes

03-05-2020

I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately,
It's kind of strange because I usually never wanted to give him much thought. Our relationship was rocky at best, and it always felt like he only cared about my mom instead of me.

He played a big role in my childhood but after I was placed into (temporary) foster care he withdrew himself from my life, and occasionally showed up. Looking worse every time I saw him.

I never talked a lot about him with my mom, maybe it's still a sore spot. And maybe I don't want to know more about him. Maybe I'm scared that I recognize myself in him.

A few days after he passed I sat next to my mom in the car, we were both silent. I asked her if he ever wanted to see me when I was placed in foster care.
She answered that he never behaved aggressively except for one moment when she said that if he could not see me again for a while. He got extremely upset and screamed at her and demanded to see his son.

I don't know why this got to me so much, maybe because I assumed that he never gave a sh*t...
He never cared to show up when I needed him the most.

06-05-2020

Monday I had a call with Amy, I had some questions about how I could do this work justice in the shape of a video. Usually I would animate, but that takes up a lot of time and it takes away the "touch" element I want this work to have.

Amy gave me the advice to just film myself as I'm mending my pictures. I immediately thought about what I could add to make it more personal or special. Perhaps a poem or an anecdote.

Today I'll do research into what fits my concept the best.

06-05-2020

Yesterday I've spent about half an hour looking for picture's of my dad, I knew my mom kept them somewhere in the cupboard. But I just couldn't find them anywhere, for a moment I was scared that they were gone or lost. And I wouldn't have any pictures of him anymore.

But soon enough I found them, together with some articles and a love letter he wrote for my mom on her birthday.

In the article my dad talks about his passion for photography, he refers to it as "painting with light".

It hurts a bit that I get to know what he was passionate about and who he really was by reading these articles and letters...
When I visited him we never talked about any of these things, he was always just joking.

10-05

Last week I spoke with Teana, we discussed the article and how I could relate this with my mending subject. We talked about how different aspects of the Decolonization as care essay could be interpreted, for example: in my case I could talk about how society shaped this view of parents, family – “a nuclear family”.

I also mentioned that last years social practice has been very inspiring to me, it planted a seed for my artistic vision. Brene Brown’s TedTalk about vulnerability was so interesting for me as an animator and film maker (in the making). I really want to show people’s stories, in an intimate way, where you can see their relationship with their vulnerability. This mending project has allowed me to experiment with cinematography and the rawness/realness of my personal story, the flaws and the way I experienced things. During these experiments I noticed that close up shots of the textures, of the pictures and of me working helped quite a bit with creating a build up that worked with my narrative.

Furthermore, we talked about the second core reading and how a curriculum could be more about the students and the subject in a more personal way instead of “everybody read page 20 and write down what it was about”.
I think that we as students can learn so much more if we discuss things, interpret and reflect.
Before I studied animation I studied game-art, where I really lacked a voice. I felt like somebody who should produce without thinking. Whereas now, thinking and reflecting inspires me, it feels like I have a purpose. I used to dislike going to school, but since I study here I have learned so much, not only about cinematography, meaning and vulnerability but I also learned a lot about myself.